Saturday, January 09, 2010

Looking Back

I hate to be one of those bloggers who is always apologizing for not blogging often enough, so I will try to resist the urge.

This blog used to be such a pleasure for me. Now it's starting to feel more like burden. One more thing in my life that I've taken on and then run out of energy for.

I'm weary. I feel like I've been in crisis mode for so long, I don't know how to handle everyday life. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. I need someone telling me what to do, and when to have it done by. Perhaps more importantly, I need someone telling me I did a good job. It's a weakness, I know it. But I thrive on positive feedback.

I'm in the middle of seventeen different housework-related projects right now. They're all interconnected, so I can't just complete one of them. And I can't really complete any of them with Valerie around, because she just gets into everything, and unsorts whatever it is I was just sorting. Ironically, it would be much easier to keep track of Valerie if all of my sorting projects were done, because then she would have less to get into. Catch 22.

When I was in school, I always used to get sick on breaks. I read somewhere that it's a stress thing. Stress keeps the illness at bay during school term, and then, when the stress is gone, the illness gets to take over. I think this is the holiday flu for my soul.

A friend of mine recently did a "decade in review" thing on her blog, and I was considering doing one here, too. I think I might have done one here before, but I'm not sure. At the risk of being boring, here's my decade in point-form:

-graduated from college in May
-actually didn't quite graduate from college in May, took incompletes in three classes, and finished my degree over the summer
-went to Japan with my family
-took a summer job at a lodge in Colorado
-started law school in Toronto, in a city where I knew no one

-got married
-Jeremy didn't quite graduate from college as scheduled, so I took a year off of law school so he could finish his degree
-got a job as a waitress
-got a job as an administrative assistant

-played a small part in "The Comedy of Errors" with the campus Shakespeare troupe I had started as a student
-Jeremy graduated from college
-moved back to Toronto with my husband, and started my second year of law school

-Jeremy couldn't work, because his immigration didn't go through yet
-spent the summer in Philadelphia, working as a waitress
-moved back to Toronto, and started my second year of law school
-Jeremy's immigration finally came through, but he still couldn't find a job
-in December, my dad had a stroke

-Jeremy got a job as a church custodian
-graduated from law school
-started the bar admission courses
-my dad had a second stroke, and died
-I managed to find an articling position in Ottawa, so we could move closer to my family
-Jeremy was unable to find work in Ottawa for a while

-Jeremy found a job in January
-my articling position almost killed me, but I stuck it out
-I was called to the bar of Ontario, and promptly resigned
-in December, we moved in with Jeremy's parents in Philadelphia

-started seminary
-started working at Starbucks
-dropped out of seminary
-after a few months of looking, Jeremy found a job doing computer stuff
-a few months later, Jeremy got mysteriously sick
-still sick, Jeremy lost his job

-Jeremy still sick
-found a job at a law office
-bought a car
-we moved in with a friend on the other side of town
-Jeremy finally got the right treatment, and started getting better
-Jeremy found another job
-went back to Starbucks to be an assistant manager
-we got pregnant, but lost the baby
-we got pregnant again in December

-we finally got our own place - a nice little rental townhouse near Jeremy's parents
-I demoted myself to part-time at Starbucks
-Valerie arrived on August 5 (three weeks early)
-Jeremy lost his job in October
-I went back to Starbucks when my maternity leave ended, instead of quitting as I had planned

-I tried to juggle working with being a wife and mother
-Jeremy got to spend some quality time at home with Valerie
-Jeremy found another job in July
-I quit my job in December in order to stay at home full time

Phew. I thought that might be exhausting. I wonder what it's like to have a year go by without at least one major life-changing event, like moving, graduating, losing a job, death, or new life? I wonder if I'll ever find out?

I'm sorry for the down-ness of this post. I swear, I have cute stories and Christmas memories to share. But this is what is on my mind right now, in the middle of the night, surrounded by Things To Do. Okay, time to sleep. Everything is always brighter in the morning.


Anonymous said...

It does get brighter. Make a list on the refrigerator and mark things off when you finish them. Add a list of rewards for yourself and every time you finish something you can pick a reward. I am horrible at doing housework, and sometimes have to ask my hubby to motivate me... promise for a date of my choice, go watch a stupid chick flick, get a new game, whatever. It helps.

hang in there. You're a great mom. You can do it!

Emily said...

A song from one of Noah's Signing Time DVDs has a line in it that I think really sums up much of my last 5 eventful years:
"Maybe we won't find easy, but baby we found the good."

Things are crazy and hard and sometimes they really suck, but without the hard the good parts would be missing too.

Anyway, not sure that that helps, but I wanted to share.

AS far as housework goes, I vote that we come visit for a weekend and let Brian and Jeremy take the kids to the zoo while we tackle your projects. There's nothing I love more than organizing. :)
Alternatively, you could always pay yourself to do it. When I had stacks of papers to grade, I'd draw up a contract where I paid myself x amount/stack with a time deadline and then go do something fun when I'd finished. Good luck!