Monday, December 04, 2006

Non-Drinker's Charter of Rights and Responsibilities

As a non-drinker, I...
  1. Have the right to order an appetizer or dessert. Don't look at me like that; I know how many calories are in your beer.

  2. Will factor imaginary drinks into my bill when calculating my tip. It's not the waitress' fault I didn't order expensive drinks.

  3. Will have just as much fun as everyone else is having. (I'll just remember more and regret slightly less of it.)

  4. Have the right to excuse at least one stupid stunt per evening out, blaming it on the fact that I was like, so totally sober, man.

  5. Will sing karaoke just as badly as everyone else.

  6. Have the right to point out, at least once, how much cheaper my cranberry juice is without the vodka in it.

  7. Will drive you home, or let you sleep on my couch if necessary. I may even steal your keys and call you a cab; I'm sure you'll forgive me eventually.

  8. Will volunteer to work the opening shift on New Year's Day.


twilighttreader said...

You forgot to add in your most important function: designated driver.

Most bars will give you free softdrinks all night if you're the DD.

Not that I would know, mind you...

Jule Ann said...

Oh man, I knew I was forgetting something obvious! I sat there staring at this post for like five minutes, knowing I was missing one of the most important points, but eventually gave up and posted.
Oversight corrected.

mike said...

I don't mind working the morning of New Years. I'm rarely a heavy drinker anyway. I do, however, object to working the night of New Year's Eve, even if I don't plan to drink. a) It's the night of New Year's Eve when everything happens and b) You don't get holiday pay for working it, unless you work past midnight, and even then, you only get paid for the past midnight part.

By contrast, I don't object to working on Christmas Eve. No, you don't get extra holiday pay (except past midnight - which, you know, score!), but nothing really important happens on Christmas Eve (in my view, anyway) so there's no great loss.

The problem with being DD (which I've done a couple of times) is that there is nothing quite as anoying as a car full of drunks. Oh, wait, a bus full of undergraduate students who anticipate becoming drunk sometime in the near future - more anoying. But only a little.

wrath said...

soooo what if you are an inbetwener,
You drink, however you do not get drunk.

Jessica said...

Kudos; this sounds a lot like what mine would be, if I had written one down.

Jule Ann said...

Write your own Charter!

jd said...

Isn't #7 being a designated driver?