Excerpt from one of the most entertaining car rides in recent history

V: Can we get some decorations like that and put them up in front of our house?
JA: Well, we don't really have a yard, and our house isn't on a road, so no one would see them. Maybe when we get another house, we can get one with a yard on a street and put up some fun Christmas decorations.
V: All I want when we get a new house is a kitten, and a grown-up cat, and a puppy, and a grown-up dog. And a goldfish. But not a zebra fish, because they are poison, and I don't want it to poison my goldfish. Did you know that zebra fish can kill sharks? But not in Kenya, there are no sharks in Kenya. Do you know why there are no sharks in Kenya?
JA: Because there are no oceans?
V: No, because the dolphins in Kenya are braver than the sharks.
JA: Ah, of course.
V: Aren't you glad I know so much about Kenya?
JA: Yes, very glad.
V: Do you want me to tell you more things about Kenya?
JA: Definitely.
V: Well, the people on the left side of Kenya have dreams about zombies. And the people on the - which side did I just do?
JA: Left side.
V: And the people on the right side dream about butterflies. But sometimes the people on the left side, dream about butterflies, to kill the zombies.
JA: Butterflies kill zombies?
V: Yes, if they are grown-up butterflies. But grown-up zombies kill butterflies. Hey! I just cut my own fingernail! Isn't that great that I cut my own fingernail?
JA: How did you cut it? With your teeth?
V: No, with my finger! Did I just do a miracle?
JA: I don't know that I would call that a miracle...
V: I just remembered one more pet I want to have when we get a bigger house.
JA: I don't know, you already want five pets. You'll have to feed them all, and take care of them all, and that's going to be a lot of work.
V: Just ONE more pet! A chameleon. Actually, a whole family of chameleons.

Everything Is Possible When You're Four

V: When we get home, can we pack up some sandwiches and drinks and cheese sticks and other good food, and some warm clothes and coats and blankets, and build a spaceship and go to a planet where it's always cold and build an igloo and live inside of it?
JA: That sounds like it would be a lot of fun.
V: Do you know how to build a spaceship?
JA: No, actually, I don't.
V: I know! We can watch Wallace and Gromit, and then we can learn how to build a spaceship!
JA: That's a fantastic idea!

(later, while watching Wallace and Gromit)
V: (quietly, to herself, taking mental notes) Okay, you have to saw the table...

V: Did you learn it, mom? Can we build a spaceship, now?
JA: I'm sorry, sweetie. It's not really that simple. You can't actually build a real spaceship in your backyard with wood and a saw. You need millions of dollars and a whole team of researchers and engineers.
V: But we can build a spaceship in our FRONT yard!

File Under: Conversations I Didn't Expect to Have for a Few More Years

The girls and I were eating lunch in the park. There was a hole in the middle of the table that previous occupants had decided to use as a trash hole. Valerie started to put her own trash in the hole, and I stopped her.

"Actually, Valerie, that's not a real trash can. I know people have put trash in there, but it's not a very good place to put trash, because there is no way for the trash to get out and into the garbage truck."

"I can get it out, mama!"

Valerie starts pulling trash out of the hole. I didn't stop her at first, because I thought it was a good citizenship thing to do. But as she got lower into the hole, the trash started to get ickier.

"I think it's a good thing that you're trying to help out, but I don't think I want you touching the trash anymore. There are some pretty icky things in there."

"I just want to get one more thing."

"No, sweetie, that's a cigarette butt. That was in someone's mouth, so it has germs on it."

"But I can touch the OTHER end!"

"No, the other end is dirty from the smoke."

"But what about the middle? The middle wasn't used for ANYTHING!"

"Valerie, I don't want you touching cigarette butts. Thank you."

Valerie thinks for a minute, and then she asks, thoughtfully, "Mommy, when I'm older, can you buy me my own cigarette butt so I can blow smoke from my mouth?"

"I don't want you to smoke cigarettes, Valerie, not even when you're older. The smoke goes inside of your body, and it makes your body sick."

"Oh, so only bad people do it?"

"Well, not necessarily. Cigarettes are also 'addictive'. That means that your body thinks you want them, even though your brain knows they are bad for you. That's why it's important to never smoke cigarettes, not even once, because then your body might start to want them."

At this point, Valerie climbed off the bench and under the table. When I asked her what she was doing, she told me I had scared her. I explained to her that I wasn't trying to scare her, I just wanted her to know that this is something important. Sometimes mommies have to tell scary stories to help their kids be safe. She wasn't responding though, so I let her mope for a bit. She wandered over to some steps, and sat down, still looking forlorn.

I waited a few minutes, then I went over to her, and asked if she was still sad. She said she was. I asked her why she was sad, and she said, quietly,

"Because I still want a cigarette, and I don't know why."

I hugged her, and we talked about how sometimes your brain or your body want things that aren't good for you, and that's why it's important to listen to your conscience. I explained how knowledge is power, and knowing the scary things can help you make the right decisions when you want to do something bad. A light went on, and Valerie said,

"I know! It's like how my bum wants to pee through my underpants, but my conscience says to go in the potty."

"Exactly."

"Last night, I dreamed that I was an old man, and I wanted a cigarette, but I didn't know they were bad. And the cigarette made me sick, and I was so sad when I woke up, because I thought the dream was real and I was still sick."

I don't know if other kids do this, but Valerie's primary way of processing new information is to create a work of fiction incorporating what she has learned. I hugged her, told her I was proud of her, and encouraged her to think about happy things, now.

"But I'm still sad, and I don't know why."

"I know how you feel. Sometimes, I feel sad for no reason, and nothing can cheer me up. But it will go away eventually, you just have to try to think about other things."

"But what if it never goes away, and I'm sad forever?"

"It always goes away eventually. Do you want to go home and read some stories?"

"Imagination stories work better. Can you tell me a story from your head?"

So I told her a story of a magical playground that comes to life with fairies and elves at night, and a little girl who met the fairies, and was whisked away to the fairy realm for the funnest day of her life. And as I told the story, the sad, sick old man sitting beside me melted away into a joyful four-year-old who could imagine those very fairies living in this very park.

I don't know if there is a *right* age to have these hard conversations with your kids. My approach so far has been something along the lines of, "When it comes up, and I have the time/energy to address it, as honestly as possible, in terms she can understand." As her level of understanding increases, so does the difficulty of these conversations. I'm glad she is possessed of such a powerful empathy, but it makes it even harder to introduce her to suffering and evil in the world. I'm just glad she's young enough that I can still spin a little magic to ease the transition.

Conversations with Valerie

(It's 10:00 a.m. and we are on our way to a sporting goods store.)
V: Where are we going?
JA: We're going to buy goggles for Mommy.
V: And then what are we going to do?
JA: Then we are going to go to the gym so Mommy can swim and you can play in the treehouse.
V: And then what are we going to do?
JA: Then we're going to go to Miss Stephanie's house.
V: And then what are we going to do?
JA: Then we'll go back to our house.
V: And then what are we going to do?
JA: Then we'll eat dinner.
V: And then what are we going to do?
JA: Then it will be tubby time.
V: And then what are we going to do?
JA: Then we'll read some stories.
V: And then what are we going to do?
JA: Then it will be time for night night.
V: (crying) But I'm not acting tired!

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V: Can you put on the Go Diego Go with the chinchilla?
JA: Okay. Do you know where the clicker is?
V: Yeah, I'll show it to you. (Comes over to couch.) Oh, it's not there. I put it somewhere Dorothy can't get it. (Looks around for another minute.) I know, I put it on the changing table, I'll go get it. (Climbs over couch to changing table, where clicker is not.) Mommy, do you know where I put the clicker?
JA: You sure are related to your father!

Talking with a 2.5 year old

V: Get me down!
JA: Can you ask nicely?
V: Get down me!
JA: What word do you say when you want to ask nicely?
V: Down!
JA: (hinting) P...
V: ...
JA: Pl...
V: ...
JA: Plea...
V: Pleap!!
JA: (collapses into hysterical laughter)

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What do you call it when...

So, I was driving by Circuit City today, and there were big signs advertising their 50% off store closing sales. I had the following three thoughts in quick succession:

"Wow, 50% off, we could get some really good deals!"

"But we're broke."

"With all of these stores going out of business, there are a lot of good deals to be had right now, but we don't have the money to take advantage of them. This is a terrible time to be unemployed!"

And then I started laughing out loud. Because isn't that the definition of a recession?

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Living with me means you get to have conversations like this...

"I smell like a dirty hippie."

"What do clean hippies smell like?"

"No one knows..."

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An Evening with Jon

"Are you hungry?"

"Yeah."

"What do you want to do about dinner?"

"I dunno."

"Well, I need to get some things from the grocery store anyhow, we could pick something up there."

"Sounds good."

Later, at the grocery store...

"So, what do you want to eat?"

"I dunno."

"We could buy eggs and have omelets."

"Yay, omelets!" (runs off to fetch red peppers)

Later, at Jon's apartment...

Jule Ann is in the kitchen cracking, chopping, whisking, and cooking. Jon sits down to watch American Idol.

"I hope it's okay that I don't really know how to make proper omelets. I always cheat and just make scrambled eggs, then let them congeal into a patty at the end. I like them better that way anyhow. I don't particularly like proper omelets."

"Really? Then why did you agree to having omelets for dinner?"

"Because I secretly knew that you would sit down and watch American Idol, so I could make them however I wanted."

"You know, I think this is the first proper meal I have made in my new apartment."

"I'm going to have to disagree with your definition of 'proper meal'. And 'I'."

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