It's the Long Weekend, Have a Second Helping of Guilt!

I hate Memorial Day.

Okay, I don't completely hate it. I love having a long weekend. And any excuse to barbecue is fine by me. But I hate the mixed signals. First, there's the "Yay, America!" red, white and blue t-shirts and fireworks. Like Memorial Day is a mini Fourth of July. Then there's the "Don't forget all the people who had to DIE for you to be able to have this barbecue!" guilt. Thanks, that really makes me enjoy this hot dog so much more.

Maybe it's because I'm Canadian. There are some things about living in the USA that I still just don't quite get after ten years. When you say "long weekend" I get visions of Victoria Day, which is the birthday of a long-dead queen. It's the first long weekend of the spring, when Canadians barbecue, drink beer, open the cottage, and just generally have a good time. (Sound a bit familiar, Americans? A little bit like the guilt-free half of Memorial Day?)

But when you say "Memorial Day" I think of Remembrance Day. Which is a somber, solemn occasion with no barbecues, no fireworks, wreaths of poppies, and a single trumpeter playing Last Post. Kids don't get Remembrance Day off of school, instead, they go to a school assembly that is remarkably similar to a funeral. It's a time to remember the tragedy of war, to thank those who fought for our freedom, and to pray collectively as a country that we never repeat the past.

I understand the value of both holidays. Everyone needs a fun, long weekend after a dreary, long winter. And it's important to take time to remember those who have fought and died for our country. What I don't get is why America tries to pull off both holidays at once.

When I first moved here, I thought it was simple. Memorial Day was Victoria Day (aka the "fun" weekend), and Veterans Day was Remembrance Day (aka the "solemn" day). But that doesn't seem to be the case, even though Veterans Day and Remembrance Day are on the same day, and our two long weekends are only a week apart. Veterans Day is nice and all, but it only covers a tiny portion of the ground that Remembrance day covers: honoring those who fought for our country. At least in my experience, Veterans Day doesn't seem to address any of the other elements, such as remembering the tragedy of war so we don't repeat it and mourning those who died. Apparently, mourning those who died is meant to be a part of Memorial Day (one holiday for the living, one for the dead, I suppose?) And as far as I can tell, there is no American holiday where you remember the tragedy of war so we won't repeat it.

I think the biggest problem with Memorial Day is that everyone gets it off of school and work. Which pretty much forces it to be a party. If you really want people to be solemn and respectful, don't give them an excuse to party at the same time. That's just teasing.

So, forgive me if I don't go around waving a flag and honoring dead soldiers today. This is my long weekend, and I deserve a fun barbecue with my family. I'll make up for it when November 11 rolls around, a day which I always honor in the Canadian tradition, with mourning and sober reflection. War is a tragedy that I hope we never repeat. I am grateful for those who fought, and for those who died for both of my countries. And maybe I will even take a few minutes to pray for them today, before I bite into my burger. But I refuse to feel guilty for just wanting to have a fun weekend.

A Proud Mama Moment

Valerie was sitting on my lap before church this morning, playing with my necklace. I often tell her the word for items she shows interest in, so I told her it was a "cross". After I repeated "cross" a few times, and she didn't repeat it back to me as she usually does, I began to wonder if she actually knew another word for it, and was just trying to remember it. So I tried "necklace" a few times, still with no response. I tried to think of another name that might ring a bell for her, maybe "chain" or "jewelry"? Before I could come up with a good alternative, though, she brightened up and said, "tee!" Tee? Did she mean "tree"? I gave her an inquiring look, and she confidently said "tee" several more times. Then it hit me. She could be saying the letter "T!" A cross really does look like a lowercase T, doesn't it?

She has been playing with her Alpha-Bug more often recently, and she does ask for that "Learn to Write Your Letters" book a lot. But up until now, I just thought she liked the sound effects and the pictures. Could she actually be starting to learn her letters? She's not even two! But, if I have learned anything since becoming Valerie's mother, it's that anytime I think I'm giving her too much credit, I'm usually not.

So, when we got home tonight, I got out the Alpha-Bug and asked her to point to the T. She pointed right at it. I'm sorry for doubting you, my little genius.

Nineteen Months Old!

Dear Valerie,

You are nineteen months today! I've let these monthly letters fall by the wayside, but it has dawned on me that unless I intend to start keeping a proper baby book for you, I need to write something down once in a while, otherwise, when you ask me how old you were when you took your first steps, I'll be forced to say, "Um, somewhere between one year old and your college graduation?" Sure, I've occasionally been posting your milestones on Facebook as status updates, but Facebook's archive feature leaves much to be desired, to put it lightly. It just took me ten minutes to bring up my status updates back as far as September, I'd hate to see how long it would take to bring up years of back entries.

So, before I get to the gushy stuff, here's what has happened in the past six months in the milestone department:

September 24, 2009: First molar (top right)
October 8, 2009: Second molar
October 11-16: Visit to Vermont to see Nick and Timmy
Week of October 20, 2009: All three of us got sick - we're pretty sure it was swine flu
October 31, 2009: Second Halloween - dressed as a Starbucks barista

November 8, 2009: First time climbing the play structure and going down the big slide by yourself
November 10, 2009: First sentence: "Wow, look at that!"
November 10, 2009: First steps! (You took two steps, twice, with a LOT of coaxing; you started regularly taking steps on your own about a month later)

December 17-20, 2009: Visit to Western NY to visit my aunt and uncle and my college friend and her five sons (you loved those boys!)
December 23, 2009: Went to Disney on Ice with your cousin Trevor
December 25, 2009: We spent your second Christmas at Nana and PopPop's house

January 10, 2010: Spontaneous day trip to NYC to visit a friend. Played on the big piano at FAO Schwartz
February 7, 2010: First time sledding (tied on Mommy's back)
February 8-15, 2010: Visit to Ottawa to see Grandma and April and Jacob and the Munniks

February 19-21, 2010: The King family came to visit. You got to go to the zoo with Noah while Emily and I cleared the clutter out of your room

Now, looking over that list, I realize there are several things missing. You now have four molars, and only two are documented. The next two came within the next two months, I'm fairly sure, but so much for keeping track of dates. And so many things are simply not measurable as firsts, like your developing sense of humor and emerging nurturing instincts. I guess that's why the monthly letters were a better guide than the occasional point form list of milestones - they gave me a chance to reflect on your development more generally. Oh well, you live and learn.

I somehow let TV creep into your life over the past few months. I wasn't going to, but you enjoy it so much, and it gives me some free time to do things like dishes that you otherwise won't sit by and let me do. I'm picky about what I let you watch, though. You only get to watch things that I like, and that don't annoy me. You ask for your favorite shows by name: "Wiiwii" with accompanying wiggle fingers is The Wiggles, "Wawa" with accompanying head wobble is Pingu, "Baby" is Monsters, Inc., "Elmo" is Elmo's Adventures in Grouchland (the movie, not "Elmo's World" the TV show), "Maou" is An American Tail. You're a very empathetic TV watcher, or perhaps you will be an actor, because you're more fun to watch than the actual movies. You whimper when the characters are scared, cry when they are sad, and laugh when they are happy. At first, I thought you were getting too worked up by the movies, and maybe I should show you less stressful movies, but then I realized that you were pretending along with the actors. It's adorable.



Our friends Phil and Rachel had a baby at the beginning of November, and Asher brought out a new side of you that I had never seen before. You showered him with kisses and hugs, and sat holding his hand, and begged us to let you hold him. Then, when we got home that night, you dug through your toy box and found all of your baby dolls, and started kissing them all goodnight. This "little mother" stage is really endearing. You feed your babies, carry them around, try to tie them on your back like Mommy does with you, put them on the potty, not to mention shower them with kisses and hugs. Once, when you were nursing, you popped off and asked me for your baby. I handed you the closest doll, and you immediately put the doll to my breast so she could nurse for a little while. It was very sweet of you to share.



Your verbal skills continue to improve. You babble in sentences, now, and more and more of the babbling is becoming recognizable as words, even to outside observers. You can repeat almost anything you want to repeat (although that doesn't translate as "anything we want you to repeat"), and every once in a while, you boggle my mind with a word or a phrase that I had no idea you knew how to say. The other day, you were "helping" me fold laundry, and you picked up a pair of underpants, and said "underpants". That's a pretty big word, little girl. It frustrates you that we can't understand you completely yet. You'll turn to me sometimes, and let fly a long stream of syllables that mean nothing to me, and when I say I don't understand, you'll repeat the exact same syllables. It's obvious that you think you're making sense, and I feel bad that I don't understand you, because you're trying so hard. You have a pretty big vocabulary for a child your age, probably 200 words or so if I sat down and counted, but it's not enough for you. You want to be able to talk as much as the grown-ups do, and you try your best. Honestly, I think you're saying more than I give you credit for, I bet you are really saying twice as many proper words as I can understand. I'm sorry I'm not a better listener.



You can walk everywhere on your own, now, although you still like to be carried or worn more than half the time when we are out and about. I think it's a confidence thing. You were very tentative about taking your first steps, but once you realized you could do it, you dove in. You love to explore, as long as Mommy or Daddy is close by, and when we are in a familiar place, like home, you are a climbing maniac. You have recently discovered that you can climb up onto higher places by using intermediate items as stepping stones. Last night, for example, you figured out how to climb onto the dining room table by climbing from your potty to a chair, then onto the table. You're usually quite cautious when you're climbing and exploring, so I don't worry too much about you falling off the table, for example. You seem, however, to have inherited my ability to hurt yourself doing simple things, like sitting on your little chair or walking on flat pavement. You'll cry for a minute, but you'll usually get over it quickly, then dive right back into exploring, even when your face looks like you were in a dirt biking accident (okay, so that only happened once, but it looked so painful!)



You still love books, and pulling every single book out of the cabinet remains one of your favorite activities. You're starting to realize that books are more than just a cool textured toy with pretty pictures, and you will actually bring me books to read them to you, now, rather than just flipping through them by yourself. You can do all the actions in the "From Head to Toe" book (whether I read it to you or not), and you love to flip through the "Hello Baby" lift the flaps saying "No" on all the "wrong" flaps. You will only allow yourself to be read to when you are sitting on a lap. If I'm sitting on the floor, you will hand me a book, then slither quickly onto my lap, without missing a beat. When I'm on a chair, you will hand me the book, then say "up!" until I lift you onto my lap. You don't have a terribly long attention span for individual books, sometimes only allowing me to read two pages before asking "down" and getting another book. But your attention span for this "get book, sit on lap, get down, get new book" rotation is fairly limitless. It's the same with watching TV. You would love to have the TV on all day if I let you, but you want to watch 2 minutes of The Wiggles, then 5 minutes of Monsters, Inc., then 30 seconds of Pingu. Or, you may just want to have An American Tail playing in the background while you read books (really, you'll ask for a show, then not actually watch it, but you'll fuss if I turn it off). I'm not sure if this is something I should be bothered by or not. Fortunately, we have all of these movies on demand on our Netflix player, so flipping between them is easy enough to do with the touch of a button. I might have less patience for this game if I had to get up and change a DVD every time.

You love to laugh, and you love being tickled. You also love being bounced on my knee or thrown in the air, and don't seem to understand why I can't continue these activities indefinitely. You have a beautiful smile, although you have recently taken to making a "cheese" face for the camera, which is cute, but I miss being able to get pictures of you smiling naturally in my direction.

You give fantastic hugs, gripping my neck with a surprising amount of power. You are gentle, loving, and compassionate, and I love the little girl you are becoming just as much as I love the little baby you so recently were. Thank you for being such a jewel in my life.

Love,
Mommy.

Bubble Bath

Valerie loves her bath. I almost always get bored with bathtime before she does.

So, last night, since we'd had a rather boring day, I thought I would give her a treat and put bubbles in her bath. She loves bubbles. She gets excited when we blow bubbles, or when I wash dishes, and calls out "bubbles" with sheer toddler joy. She even calls the raindrops on the window bubbles. So I thought bubbles in her bath would be doubly awesome - two of her favorite things at once!

But she had never had a bubble bath before. At least not that she can remember. I gave her one once when she was a baby, but decided it was more work than it was worth, since I had to rinse all the bubbles off after, so it was like having to give her two baths at once. Why do all that extra work when she won't even appreciate it? We'll save bubbles for when she's old enough to care.

Well, she's old enough to care, now. Old enough to care a lot. Old enough to scream bloody murder when her feet disappeared underneath that terrifying blanket of white fluff. I tried to distract her, I showed her how to pick up bubbles and blow them across the tub. It worked for a second, then she looked down and cried again. She kept begging to get out of the tub, crying "all done, all done!"

So I filled her baby tub with clean water to rinse her off, and got into the big tub myself (why waste a nice bubble bath?). She spent the next ten minutes playing happily in a few inches of clean water and reaching over the edge and playing with the bubbles in the big tub that had been so terrifying when they were all over her.

Oh well, that's what I get for trying to make a good thing better. At least now, when I give her a plain old bath in just water, I won't have to feel guilty for depriving her of the joy of bubbles!

---

War on Mondays

Mondays. Bah.

It's such a common condition that it's almost pointless to say that you don't like Mondays. It's like saying that you don't like the taste of manure.

I always thought that, in order for Mondays to suck, you had to have a Monday to Friday job to go to. I'm home every day now, seven days a week, what should make Mondays any different?

A lot, apparently.

I thought it was a coincidence at first, so I didn't think too much of it. I just seemed to be more down some times than others, I never really noticed the day. It probably would have taken me even longer to notice if it weren't for the fact that we have a standing Monday night date with some friends of ours, and suddenly, after I quit my job, I never seemed to have the energy to go anymore.

So what is it about Mondays? I have a few ideas. I think the biggest part of it, for me, is that I have all of these plans for what I'm going to accomplish on the weekend. The glorious, magical weekend. Full of unlimited amounts of free time, a toddler who entertains herself, and a husband to help me carry heavy things to the basement. Then Monday rolls around. And the house is still a mess. And there is still a 100-pound computer sitting in the middle of the kitchen.

I'm sure there's a lot more to it than that, but it's enough for me to start troubleshooting solutions. Mondays mark the point during the week when I have the most things on my to-do list, and the longest stretch of time before I will have help getting them done.

So, I'm declaring War on Mondays. Tomorrow, there is nothing on my to-do list. Starting this week, Monday will be the day when Valerie and I can just relax and unwind from the busy weekend. I don't even have to make us lunch, because I made sure that there would be enough leftovers from the weekend for us to have tomorrow. And, most importantly, no guilt. No guilt for not being more productive. No guilt for turning on the TV and letting Pingu entertain Valerie for a while. No guilt if I happen to still be in my pajamas when it's time to get into my pajamas again for bed.

How do you deal with Mondays?

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Language Acquisition

I never got around to making a list of all the words Valerie says until a couple of weeks ago, and I think I missed my window. I got up to 60 words, and I spent the entire next day going "Oh yeah, I forgot about that word," so I'm guessing her word list is actually over a hundred. And she's learning new words every day, so I think I'll just stick with the impartial list I have, and not sweat it too much. Suffice it to say, Valerie likes to talk.

One of the things Valerie says a lot is "wawa," which means any one of four different things, depending on intonation and accompanying signs. "Wawa" with hands outstretched means she wants me to hold her hands so she can "walk." "Wawa" along with the sign for "wash" means she wants a bath. "Wawa" accompanied by wagging her head back and forth means "penguin" (because I don't know what penguins say, so I told her that penguins "waddle waddle.") And "wawa" on its own, or accompanied by the sign for "drink," means she wants a drink.

I often let Valerie watch Pingu while I make breakfast, but the other morning we were running late for a meeting, so we were going to eat on the run, and didn't have time for Pingu. Valerie kept pointing at the TV and saying the "wawa" that means "penguin." I knew she wanted me to put Pingu on, but I was in a hurry, so I played dumb and offered her a drink. She asked again, and I played dumb again. Then she got quiet for a few seconds, concentrating really hard, then she said, "watch wawa." It makes me wonder how big her hidden vocabulary must be. Maybe I should play dumb more often and see.

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Consignment Sales!

I've always been a thrifty shopper, and I have become even more of one since I became a mom, because babies outgrow clothing so quickly. There have been occasions that, by the time I get the tags off of a new outfit and wash it for Valerie to wear, it's already too small for her. Which is why I have absolutely fallen in love with the semi-annual consignment sales. Every spring and fall, dozens of local mommy groups organize consignment sales, where you can buy barely used baby clothes for a fraction of the price of new. And, because I am a computer geek, every spring and fall, I compile a chronological list of all the local consignment sales, so I can plan my weekends around the sales. I've never made it to all of them, but I like having my list "just in case". And, since I already have my list all typed up in html format, I decided to share it with the world. (Although it will really only be useful to that part of the world which happens to occupy my little corner of Montgomery County, PA.)

Some tips:

• If you can only make it to one sale, go to the Cozy Tots one. It's huge.


• If possible, leave the kids at home. It can get chaotic at some of the sales, and you'll want both hands free. (Also bear in mind that a lot of the sales don't allow strollers.)


• Double check beforehand if they take credit cards - some sales do, and some sales don't. Bring enough cash for what you think you might buy, plus a little extra. You just never know what you might find.


• Make a list. I know it sounds obvious, but I can speak from experience, when I don't have a list, I forget things. Make sure to put any bigger items you might be in the market for on the list, too. You'll save a lot by getting a used stroller or exersaucer.


• Look for "new in package" items that you can set aside as Christmas/birthday gifts. No one has to know you didn't pay full price.


• Unless something really awesome jumps out at you, only buy clothes in the next size or two and/or for the next two seasons. There will be another sale in six months.


• Get there early. Things get picked over pretty quickly.


• Alternatively, wait until the end of the sale, and get huge discounts. (Most sales have half price days at the end of the sale - check the individual websites for details.)


• Volunteer or consign some items of your own, and you'll usually get to shop before the general public, giving you first dibs on the best stuff.


• Be picky! There's a lot to choose from, especially if you go to plenty of sales. If you're not sold on something, pass it over, there will be something else that grabs you.

And, without further ado, here is the list!
(I will come back and add sales and dates as they get announced. Please let me know if there is a sale I should have on my list!)

Local Consignment Sales - Spring 2010

As Kids Grow
February 26-28
Langhorne, PA

Cozy Tots
March 5-7
Bryn Athyn, PA

L'il Angels
March 6-7
Bensalem, PA

Chester County MOMs
March 13
Exton, PA

St. Luke's UCC MOPS
March 12-13
Trappe, PA

Just 4 Kids
March 12-14
Maple Shade, NJ

The Clothing Tree
March 12-16
Richlandtown, PA

Kool Kids
March 12-14
Feasterville, PA

Best Dressed for Less
March 19-21
Burlington, NJ

Branch Creek MOPS
March 20
Harleysville, PA

Just Kids Stuff Yard Sale
March 20
Eagleville, PA

Spring-Ford Area School District March of Dimes Consignment Sale
March 20
Royersford, PA

Bitty Bee's
March 20-21
Kimberton, PA

Treasured Twice
March 20-21
Norristown, PA

Smart Moms Sale
March 20-21
Eagleville, PA

Simply Kids
March 26-27
Pottstown, PA

Mommy Market
March 27
Calvary Church, Souderton, PA

Just Between Friends - West Chester
April 9-11
Glen Mills, PA

Bucks-Mont MOMs
April 10
Lansdale, PA

Kids Kloset Swap
April 10-11
Doylestown, PA

Just Between Friends - Western Mainline
April 15-18
Oaks, PA

Spring Chicken Sale
April 16-17
Havertown, PA

Valley Forge MOTTC
April 17
Oaks, PA

Mainline MOMs
April 17
Springfield, PA

Just Between Friends - Reading
April 29-May 2
Reading, PA

Kids Weecycle
May 1
East Norriton, PA

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Looking Back

I hate to be one of those bloggers who is always apologizing for not blogging often enough, so I will try to resist the urge.

This blog used to be such a pleasure for me. Now it's starting to feel more like burden. One more thing in my life that I've taken on and then run out of energy for.

I'm weary. I feel like I've been in crisis mode for so long, I don't know how to handle everyday life. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. I need someone telling me what to do, and when to have it done by. Perhaps more importantly, I need someone telling me I did a good job. It's a weakness, I know it. But I thrive on positive feedback.

I'm in the middle of seventeen different housework-related projects right now. They're all interconnected, so I can't just complete one of them. And I can't really complete any of them with Valerie around, because she just gets into everything, and unsorts whatever it is I was just sorting. Ironically, it would be much easier to keep track of Valerie if all of my sorting projects were done, because then she would have less to get into. Catch 22.

When I was in school, I always used to get sick on breaks. I read somewhere that it's a stress thing. Stress keeps the illness at bay during school term, and then, when the stress is gone, the illness gets to take over. I think this is the holiday flu for my soul.

A friend of mine recently did a "decade in review" thing on her blog, and I was considering doing one here, too. I think I might have done one here before, but I'm not sure. At the risk of being boring, here's my decade in point-form:

2000
-graduated from college in May
-actually didn't quite graduate from college in May, took incompletes in three classes, and finished my degree over the summer
-went to Japan with my family
-took a summer job at a lodge in Colorado
-started law school in Toronto, in a city where I knew no one

2001
-got married
-Jeremy didn't quite graduate from college as scheduled, so I took a year off of law school so he could finish his degree
-got a job as a waitress
-got a job as an administrative assistant

2002
-played a small part in "The Comedy of Errors" with the campus Shakespeare troupe I had started as a student
-Jeremy graduated from college
-moved back to Toronto with my husband, and started my second year of law school

2003
-Jeremy couldn't work, because his immigration didn't go through yet
-spent the summer in Philadelphia, working as a waitress
-moved back to Toronto, and started my second year of law school
-Jeremy's immigration finally came through, but he still couldn't find a job
-in December, my dad had a stroke

2004
-Jeremy got a job as a church custodian
-graduated from law school
-started the bar admission courses
-my dad had a second stroke, and died
-I managed to find an articling position in Ottawa, so we could move closer to my family
-Jeremy was unable to find work in Ottawa for a while

2005
-Jeremy found a job in January
-my articling position almost killed me, but I stuck it out
-I was called to the bar of Ontario, and promptly resigned
-in December, we moved in with Jeremy's parents in Philadelphia

2006
-started seminary
-started working at Starbucks
-dropped out of seminary
-after a few months of looking, Jeremy found a job doing computer stuff
-a few months later, Jeremy got mysteriously sick
-still sick, Jeremy lost his job

2007
-Jeremy still sick
-found a job at a law office
-bought a car
-we moved in with a friend on the other side of town
-Jeremy finally got the right treatment, and started getting better
-Jeremy found another job
-went back to Starbucks to be an assistant manager
-we got pregnant, but lost the baby
-we got pregnant again in December

2008
-we finally got our own place - a nice little rental townhouse near Jeremy's parents
-I demoted myself to part-time at Starbucks
-Valerie arrived on August 5 (three weeks early)
-Jeremy lost his job in October
-I went back to Starbucks when my maternity leave ended, instead of quitting as I had planned

2009
-I tried to juggle working with being a wife and mother
-Jeremy got to spend some quality time at home with Valerie
-Jeremy found another job in July
-I quit my job in December in order to stay at home full time

Phew. I thought that might be exhausting. I wonder what it's like to have a year go by without at least one major life-changing event, like moving, graduating, losing a job, death, or new life? I wonder if I'll ever find out?

I'm sorry for the down-ness of this post. I swear, I have cute stories and Christmas memories to share. But this is what is on my mind right now, in the middle of the night, surrounded by Things To Do. Okay, time to sleep. Everything is always brighter in the morning.

You've gone two months without pictures, too?

I'm sure the last ten weeks of Valerie's life merit more than a few words and a handful of snapshots, but alas, this is what you get. (As usual, you can click on any of the pictures to go to our flickr photostream and see more pictures, or to see other sizes.)

Beginning of October: Valerie is becoming very dexterous, and gets into things we might leave unattended, such as enormous slurpees.



Middle of October: First trip on the train to visit cousins Nick and Timothy in Vermont. Surprise visit from Auntie Nan while we were there.







Late October: We all got sick. Pretty sure it was the swine flu, but we didn't get tested. No pictures of that. You're welcome.

Halloween: Valerie was the cutest barista on the block. And she got to have her first ever chocolate bar.





Early November: Played in PopPop's leaves. Devoured her first hotdog at the church hay ride.





Mid-November: Valerie took her first steps and figured out how to climb the play structure and go down the slide all by herself. GA/PC Day on Mama's back.







End of November: Thanksgiving. Visit from Grandma. Put up Valerie's first Christmas tree.



Beginning of December: First time walking on snow!

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Breaking out of the holding pattern

Well, it's been over two months since my last post. Perhaps I should have kept up with the monthly birthday letters - at least it gave me an excuse to post once a month. Sigh.

I really feel like I've been in a holding pattern for the past year and a half. Take Valerie's bedroom, for instance. I was supposed to have two weeks of maternity leave before she came, maybe more, since first babies are always late, right? But she came three weeks early, and I had no buffer time to prepare myself, my life, my house, my world, for her arrival. It's all a terrifying and beautiful blur, those first few weeks, and then, before I really started to get my bearings as a mother, Jeremy lost his job, and I had to go back to work, and the blur resumed. It was only supposed to be temporary, just until he found something. And nine months passed, in that holding pattern. Nine months. That's longer than I spent pregnant.

Then, once he did find a job, I found myself having a hard time trusting that it was really for real. And I couldn't bring myself to quit my job, just on faith. Four more months.

I finally bit the bullet and picked an end date. Cashed in my stock options, and quit my job. Sixteen months after Valerie was born, I finally get to stop saying goodbye to her to go to work. And I'm having a little bit of a hard time believing that I'm really done. (So is she - she's been more clingy these past few days than she has been in months.) I'm not waiting for anything anymore, and it's a little unnerving. Especially since now, I get to deal with all the stuff that kept getting bumped down on the priority list by more immediate demands.

Which brings us back to Valerie's room. No curtains on the windows, no decorations on the walls. Barely a walkable path from the door to the crib. A jumble of things I need to deal with: curtains to hang, outgrown clothes to sort and label, our old TV to set up somewhere, a desk chair to clear a space for in our room. Yeah, don't even get me started on our room. I think it used to have a floor.

I'm trying to be realistic. I know it's going to take a fair amount of time to undo sixteen months of neglect. (Actually, more like two years - I wasn't an overly productive pregnant woman, either.) And, let's be honest here, a good part of the problem is quite simply me. I'm a procrastinator and a clutter collector who is much more likely to wile away a few spare hours watching a dumb movie or reading blogs than being productive. I recognize that. But usually, I can at least keep the chaos to a bearable level. It would be nice to regain a tiny bit of control. But then again, I am the mother of a toddler, so maybe I shouldn't dream such ridiculous dreams.

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